She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
