Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
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