This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
People in love make me want to vomit
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
