I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
