So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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