Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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