whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
