last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
