Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
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