she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
