i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
