Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
