I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
