I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
