You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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