There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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