hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
