Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
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All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize