Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
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My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
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I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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