the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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