his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
