I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
