My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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