Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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