I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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