Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
