We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
