I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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