he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
