Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
