How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
