so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Randomize
