I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
