Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
