Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
did i just pee glitter
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
