Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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