Where did you get a picture of my penis
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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