I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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