Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
