i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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