rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
