So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
whose ass print is on the piano?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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