guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i would punch a child for taco bell
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
