I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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