im drinking this country out of the recession.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
