Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
