The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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