I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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