If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Your dad touched me again.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
