I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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