im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
