my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Randomize
