i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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