he thought i was a dude.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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