goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
