The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
