I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
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My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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