i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
