I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
