its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
