I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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