I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
